


blue.

by skyclectic



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, F/F, almost lovers, post-disbandment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:41:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26482078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyclectic/pseuds/skyclectic
Summary: all momo can see now is an unforgiving ocean: an endless stretch of blue muddied with the flotsam of memories and shatteredwhat-could-have-beens.she looks at sana and sees shades of blue, sees all the colours of a bruised heart.----or the one where sana writes a memoir and momo learns the art of letting go.
Relationships: Hirai Momo/Minatozaki Sana
Comments: 5
Kudos: 105
Collections: #GGFLASHFIC





	blue.

when sana calls, it’s been nearly seven years since they last saw each other. the call goes straight to voice mail. momo hears sana’s message when she checks her phone hours later, sandwiched between a note from hana about their lunch date tomorrow and a reminder from momo's dentist about her scheduled appointment next tuesday. 

_hi momorin_ , sana says. her voice sounds strained, like she’s not quite sure what to say. momo’s nickname, once said with layers of fondness and affection, comes out hesitant. unsure. 

momo’s finger hovers over the reject button. she’s frozen between the yearning cracking her heart open at the sound of sana’s voice and the panic closing up her throat. momo’s not sure she’s ready to hear whatever it is that sana has to say. 

but sana takes the decision out of her hands, when she continues. voice tentative and fragile. 

_i know it’s been a while. but i — i need to talk to you. i’m publishing — i wrote a book. a memoir about — about my time as a member of twice. and i — i need you to read it and let me know if there’s anything you don’t want me to include before i send the final draft to my editor. can you — can you call me back at —_

momo stops listening after that. 

  
  


it takes her three days before she listens to the message again. momo repeats it over and over, searching for hidden meanings in the pauses, in the inflections, in the way sana’s voice curls around the syllables of her nickname. 

it takes her another day to call sana back.

  
  


on hindsight, momo knows they could have done this entirely online. maybe seeing sana’s face through her laptop screen would have been a smaller mercy. but it’s too late to back out now. not when momo has already stepped inside the cafe sana chose, not when momo has already caught a glimpse of sana sitting at a table in the corner.

she keeps her sunglasses on as she walks over, using the shade to shamelessly take sana in. sana is dressed casually in a hoodie with sleeves that fall over her fingers, glasses and a baseball cap that shields most of her face. 

they’re no longer in the centre of the limelight and this cafe is in a quiet part of kyoto where the chances of getting recognised are slim. but old habits die hard, momo supposes. 

and then it occurs to her that the last time they visited a cafe in kyoto together was during their trainee days. sana had spent the entire chuseok break with momo, exploring momo’s hometown in the day and snuggling under momo’s covers at night. 

they were so young then. untainted by the ugly side of fame. and undamaged by each other in so many ways. 

“hi,” she says as she slides into the seat opposite sana. 

sana blinks and then flashes momo a fleeting smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes. up close, it hits momo hard; it’s been years but everything about the woman before her is still so painfully familiar.

“hi,” sana echoes, taking a sip out of her cup of tea. momo notes the subtle tremor of sana’s hand.

momo removes her sunglasses and sets them down carefully on the table next to the plate of fruit tarts. _so, you wrote a book?_ momo wants to ask. _what did you end up writing about me? am i the princess or the dragon in your story?_

“so, how have you been?” momo asks instead. 

“not bad.” sana shrugs, holding momo’s gaze steadily. her lips quirk into a faint half-smile, like she’s sharing a secret joke with herself. or deliberately hiding something. 

momo hates how the years have crested into furious tidal waves that have kept them far and apart, marooned on separate shores. all momo can see now is an unforgiving ocean: an endless stretch of blue muddied with the flotsam of memories and shattered _what-could-have-beens_. 

she looks at sana and sees shades of blue, sees all the colours of a bruised heart.

momo hates how she is no longer fluent in reading sana’s unspoken vocabulary. not like she used to. 

her chest goes tight, unbearably so, and she’s forced to tear her gaze away. 

  
  


“here,” sana says when they’re almost done with their tea. 

somehow, they’ve managed to fill in the awkwardness with casual conversation. mostly centered around what the others are up to; nayeon and jeongyeon’s new movie collaboration, tzuyu’s latest photoshoot for vogue, jihyo’s upcoming album, mina’s newly purchased house in hawaii, chaeyoung’s adventures as an art student in europe, dahyun graduating top of her class for her master’s degree. 

it’s infinitely easier to steer the conversation as far away from themselves as they can. until they can no longer avoid the elephant in the room. 

sana hesitates, chewing on her bottom lip for a few seconds before she reaches for her bag and pulls out a thick stack of papers. she slides the manuscript of her book across the table. momo can only stare.

sana takes a deep breath. she taps a beat on the title page with trembling fingers and repeats, “here.”

 _seize the lights: chasing my dreams and all that i had to leave behind to do it_ by minatozaki sana. 

momo can feel sana’s eyes on her as she takes the manuscript and runs her thumb over the title. _it’s too long_ , is momo’s first thought. and then on its heels is an uglier thought, something momo has shelved away and buried six feet deep somewhere inside her.

_am i one of the things you had to leave behind?_

  
  


momo flips the page and under the weight of sana’s gaze, she reads.

  
  


this is one of the scenes sana includes in her book: 

_occasionally, when our schedules allowed it, we were given a break for a week or two. whenever that happened, we would all head back to our homes and spent time with our families. but i remember one of the best breaks i had was when momo and i decided to go on a trip to hawaii._

_we didn’t really plan it, to be honest. we had a list of places mina recommended and a general idea of what we wanted to do but that was it. we had no itinerary and no schedules to follow through._

_but that was the best part: momo is the perfect person to have an adventure with. she was always up for anything, always willing to go with the flow and let things simply unfold before us. like magic._

_in fact, we got lost so many times: trying to find our hotel, while out shopping, when we tried to look for one of mina’s recommended restaurants…_

_i remember one night, we were just walking aimless along the beach, sharing a mai tai momo bought from the hotel bar. the weather was perfect, the mai tai was delicious, and we talked about anything and everything under the sun, jumping from topic to topic with a familiar kind of ease._

_it was fantastic._

_when we had to head back to seoul two days later, i was very sorry to have to leave hawaii behind but i was tremendously thankful too; that i shared such special moments with my best friend, the one person who will always be the most special to me._

_i hope that one day, we can come back to hawaii and walk along the beach again. this time, i promise it’s my turn to get the mai tai._

  
  


this is one of the scenes sana didn’t include in her book but she should have:

momo isn't surprised when her bed dips in the middle of the night. sana always crawls into her bed, always winds an arm around momo's waist and falls asleep with her forehead pressed to momo's shoulder. 

but there's something different tonight, something charged and electric as sana's hands slip underneath her shirt. 

maybe it's been a long time coming. or maybe it's hawaii, where they're both just sana and momo and not members of korea's national girl group. 

maybe it's insanity. 

maybe it's all of the above. or none at all. 

all that momo knows is how her entire world has narrowed down to sana. just sana and the way she's kissing momo with a desperation that momo matches. sana kisses her harder, deeper, and momo feels her entire world catch fire.

sana is straddling her hips now and she's breathtaking. she's always been breathtaking but especially right now, bathed in silvery light from the windows. her eyes are dark, an entire ocean for momo to drown in if she wants to. 

and she wants to. momo has never wanted anything else quite like how she wants to lean up and press her lips against the moonlight crosses on sana's skin. and so, she does. 

_momo_ , sana murmurs feverishly as momo kisses the swell of her breast, voice cracked like a plea. like a broken siren call. 

momo doesn’t quite know what sana’s asking but she throws herself over the edge anyway. if she drowns, she wants this to be her last memory — the heat of sana’s skin wearing down against her bones, the feel of being swept away by sana’s waves. 

there will be consequences in the morning. momo knows this. she knows this is not something either of them can take back. not now, not ever. 

but momo lets herself drown anyway.

  
  


“i never knew that,” momo says, looking up from the manuscript. her heart has caved into itself, sinking beneath an unbearable surge of guilt and regret. maybe she should have been braver, should have reached out to sana first. 

she scans that last paragraph again and tries to swallow past the lump in her throat. 

_after i decided to not renew my contract with jype and head back to japan to start my acting career, i started having trouble sleeping. at first, i told myself my body was just adjusting from years of crazy schedules as a kpop idol. but by the sixth month, my insomnia was so bad that i was barely getting any sleep at all. no matter what i did, i could never fall asleep longer than an hour or two every night. instead, i spent more time tossing and turning or sobbing in frustration into my pillow, willing sleep to come. but it never did._

“i thought it was what you wanted,” momo continues. she can’t really help the hint of accusation that gathers in the undercurrent of her words. she doesn’t begrudge sana leaving and chasing bigger dreams. but it doesn’t mean that it didn’t still hurt that sana chose to leave and the rest of them had to learn how to function as eight when they’ve always been nine. 

sana’s lips twist into a wry smile. she spreads her fingers on the table like a starfish, like she wants to reach for momo’s hand but this is all she has allowed herself to do — a gesture neither here nor there.

“i wasn’t used to sleeping alone.” 

momo’s heart aches at the confession, at the way sana is watching her with eyes so impossibly deep and hollow. 

something keeps trying to fight its way out of momo’s chest, something that hurts yet makes her want to reach for sana. but nothing good can come out of wanting to pull sana close, to soothe over their broken edges. 

momo is convinced it will only hurt both of them more. 

  
  


it’s a beautiful spring day, nearing the end of the cherry blossom season. they stand on the sidewalk outside the cafe, directly under a cherry blossom tree. 

when momo turns to leave, sana’s voice, cracked and unsteady, follows her. 

“we tried, right?”

momo pauses but she cannot bear to turn around and meet sana’s gaze again. she takes in a deep breath and finds herself at sixteen, sitting in the window seat of an airplane heading for seoul and bumping elbows with the girl she was hastily introduced to at the departure gate. _this is sana, she’s joining jype as a trainee too. just like you._

with another shaky breath, momo turns around and sees sana, surrounded by the lifetime of memories they’ve shared since that first plane ride. memories that linger in momo’s mind long after everything falls away. 

_no_ , momo thinks. _not nearly hard enough._

“yeah,” momo says instead. “we did.”

through the falling pink petals, momo relearns what it means to let sana go. 

  
  


sana doesn’t call again after that. and momo continues on with her life, like as though meeting sana was nothing but a fever dream.

  
  


two months later, momo checks her mailbox and finds a carefully wrapped brown package. she knows immediately what it is, but it doesn’t stop her heart from stuttering when she tears the package open. 

_seize the lights: chasing my dreams and all that i had to leave behind to do it_ by minatozaki sana, in elegant font over a beautiful black and white photo of sana’s profile.

inside, the last line in the dedication reads:

_and for momorin, my best friend. thank you for sharing the mai tai and a lifetime of memories with me._

and then further down the page, sana had written in her neat, handwriting:

_i’m sorry. i know it’s years too late now, but can you forgive me?_

momo flips the page, heart caught in her throat. a postcard falls onto a lap. momo picks it up with trembling fingers.

a picture of a hawaiian sunset on the front. and a clumsily drawn glass of mai tai on the back. _my treat, this time._


End file.
